Allowing Love In
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As we continue in this pandemic, it has allowed many of us to become introspective. I know for me, 2021 was a time of mourning and of healing. At the beginning of the year, I spent time mourning the end of my last relationship, figuring out why it did not work, and what part I played in the demise of that relationship. I wasn’t sure if I would ever be able to love again, and I started to wonder what my next step was. It was very difficult for me to even listen to my favorite love songs.
At the beginning of 2021, I really felt lifeless, like I didn’t have a purpose, and I wasn’t really sure how to make myself feel good again. With the encouragement of friends, I decided to join a dating app, and I spent much of 2021 communicating with someone that I found to be intelligent and refreshing to talk with. Although I wasn’t ready for a relationship, the situation I found myself in made me realize that I will always be able to love because love comes in many forms. It comes in friendships, familial ties, and romantic bonds.
The truth is it is my nature to love. Since I was a small child, I always had a lot of love in my heart. My daughter is the same way. She cares so much about the people in the world and their well-being. So, now I don’t really question my capacity to love. However, I am a bit apprehensive about falling in love with someone new. The process of falling in love is a beautiful thing, but it is scary. It is scary to open up to someone and tell them your visions for the future, your fears, your trauma. It is scary opening yourself up to someone sexually and being vulnerable with them. So, I am not putting pressure on myself about dating.
I do believe, though, that I am ready to start dating again and to start that process of finding my person. When I think of my person, I imagine dancing in the kitchen after a long day. I imagine laughing together at the most random things because it reminds us of one of our many inside jokes. Really, I just think about joy. Knowing that despite how shitty my day is, I can go home, open a bottle of wine with the person I love, and feel amazing because I get to cuddle with them on the couch. Most people that know me, I believe, would describe me as goofy. I admit I am a bit lame. I just look forward to the day when I meet my sweet, kind, and considerate goofball.
